I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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