Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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