I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
