yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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