the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
