Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
