My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
