I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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