You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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