i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
