Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I FOUND THE LEGS
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
