btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
