words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
My butt remains clenched, sir.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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