That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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