She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
