So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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