Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
