If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
