You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
