I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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