RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
