Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
