Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
