Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
