piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
