i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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