What a fucking waste of an outfit
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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