There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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