you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Randomize
