if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
