I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
