he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
