and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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