the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
