you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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