Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
