i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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