i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
