I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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