I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
We had sex on a dog bed..
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
