There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
