sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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