I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize