I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
