i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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