He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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