A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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