So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Dignity is for republicans.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Randomize
