Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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