everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
