Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
