He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize