I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
