hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize