YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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