clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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