you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
