It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
