I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Someone shattered a urinal.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
