There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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