Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
