You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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